The ugly pieces of a beautiful whole.

So… it’s been a while since I’ve actually written anything. This semester has been hectic and my emotions have been all over the place. There’s a lot going on in my life right now and it’s not all bad either- just stressful right now!

Anyways, what prompted me to write this is a quote that I read from a philosopher named Plotinus. I was forced to read this for my Art Humanities class and quite frankly, I don’t really agree with most of his stuff. However, a few quotes stood out to me and one of them is this one, “But if the whole is beautiful the parts must be beautiful too; a beautiful whole can certainly not be composed of ugly parts; all the parts must have beauty.” I don’t think that’s true though. I think sometimes we need the ugly parts to find the beauty in it all.

Chapters in a book, our lives, our love stories, they’re all composed of a mixture of  of the good, the bad, and the ugly, and everything in between. My life hasn’t been all happy, but it hasn’t been all sad either. When I sit back and think about my love for my late husband, memories don’t always fall in order. There are things that at the time, I thought I’d never forget, but I have; the sound of his voice, or his least favorite food. There are things that I wish I didn’t have to remember, but I do; the way it sounded when he took his last breath, the way his body bruised and felt so cold after a few days in the funeral home.

Sometimes, the strangest things will evoke any array of memories and emotions and it’s not always at a convenient time to think about them. I could be at home listening to a song, at work overhearing someone’s conversation, people watching at the airport, anywhere, anytime.

Sometimes, I think back on mine and David’s relationship and I wonder if maybe people are right and I have put him on a pedestal.  I wonder if there were things that would have torn us a part eventually, I sometimes even question my love for him. I think of these things because I don’t want to feel this pain. I want to imagine that none of that happened and that my happiness was imagined. Yes, that’s easier than facing it all. The truth is, I know we were meant to be together and we’d still be together now if cancer hadn’t stolen him from the world. From me. I haven’t put him on a pedestal, but David showed me what true love is. He showed me what I deserve. I loved him with all my heart and I still love him with whatever is left of my heart.

I’ve lost a lot in my short life and he was the greatest loss of all. I’ve had sadness, but this sadness lasts forever. His love and the happiness he brought to my life is also forever. Our story is forever. From the moment I first heard his voice, to the moment that I felt his heart stop, and even now, my life was forever changed .

Our love was that fairytale, finish each other’s sentences, corny, romantic, sultry, once in a lifetime type love. In between, we’ve endured the ugly distance, the doubt from loved ones, the cancer, the pain, the laughter, the love, the happiness, the euphoria, and everything else. Not all of it was beautiful. Not the tears, not the drugs or drips, the hospitals, or the fear. Yet, our love was beautiful. All the bad, brought us closer together and made us even stronger. Being composed of all the ugliness, made it beautiful – just like my life.

My life would not be the same had I never met David, or if we had never loved each other. My life is filled with ugliness, but I think sometimes that ugliness is needed to help remind us of all the beautiful parts too. We don’t need everything to be rainbows and butterflies to know that our lives are beautiful. What we lost, WHO we lost does not and will not ever minimize the love and beauty that was shared. We just need to realize that beauty and not be afraid to share it with others. Not everyone will understand it, not everyone will care, but that just helps us weed out the people we don’t need in our lives. I’ve met some amazing people, not all of them are still a part of my life. It’s always been hard for me to let go. But, sometimes we have to. We have to let go of complete sadness, toxic people, self-doubt, pity, fear, and anything holding us back from the beauty of lifeIMG_0001; the beauty of happy memories, pictures, and everlasting love.