Lately, I’ve been thinking about some of the things that have held me back when trying to be successful. It’s not easy to admit it, but I’ve noticed that my bitterness, jealousy, and low self-esteem have propelled me into a downward spiral. I do have pretty bad anxiety, but I don’t think that’s the sole reason for my loss of motivation.
I’m 28 and I’ll be turning 29 near the end of this upcoming December. Some of my minor goals are to get my bachelors and finish my book by time I’m thirty so that I can reward myself with a trip to Hawaii. Would I like a family one day? yes, but that’s not my main goal in life. Sometimes things aren’t meant to be and if it’s not in the cards for me, I will spend every moment of this life working on me and helping others deal with their issues. These goals are absolutely attainable, but not if I continue to doubt myself and set myself up for failure.
If you or anyone else has anxiety, you’ll know that it’s like having your foot on the gas pedal and another on the brakes- at the same time. You’re so full of ideas and creativity, but it’s so much that you feel like you just don’t have the energy to start. It’s a vicious cycle and it all keeps playing over and over again and you set these high standards for yourself which you’ll probably never meet up to. When you don’t exceed your expectations, you stall. It’s extremely difficult for me, BUT what is worse is what I’ve done to myself.
In the past, I’ve allowed myself to be used and surrounded by takers and negativity. I did that because of my own naiveté. I never thought I was good enough or that I deserved more than what I had. It took me a while to realize the damage that I was doing to myself by continually pacifying those poisonous relationships instead of cutting ties. One way would hurt steady and constant, the latter resolution would hurt dramatically at first, but then eventually, the pain would dull. It’s like ripping off a band-aid.
I see these “friends” on Facebook with their happy families and perfect lives filled with laughter, travel and love. I think to myself, ” That’s SO unfair, that should be me… it was me.” Yet, the more I proclaim that this dark cloud is following me, the more rain seems to pour on only me. I started to become bitter and jealous. I didn’t want to see people so happy, when my heart was filled with so much sadness.
Why did I have to lose my husband to cancer?
I could continue to tell myself, nearly 6 years after his passing, that life is so unfair and my life sucks. Yes, years have passed and yes people moved on and everyone has their views on what I should be doing or where I should be in life:
“You’re getting a little old to have kids and you’ll never know what it’s like until you have kids of your own. It was the BEST thing that has ever happened to me”
“David would have wanted you to move on and be happy”
“Aww poor you, I couldn’t imagine losing my husband”
“You shouldn’t hold him on such a pedestal because no one will ever be like him”
“I’m sorry to hear that your ‘Ex’ died”
“Why did you keep his last name?”
“That’s nice you still visit his family. How kind of you”
“Why do you still need to visit his family if he’s not alive anymore? The UK is just so far away!”
Yup… people REALLY say these things…
People don’t get it though. It’s not that I’m living in the past or I’m not “over him”. He was my BEST FRIEND. The person who knew me better than anyone in the world. The only person I truly felt safe around. He was my husband and we shared so much together. People don’t forget their dogs or the fun times they’ve had with them. Why should I forget someone who I still cherish deeply?
Am I IN love with my dead husband? No, of course not! That’s silly. Do I still LOVE him? Yes! absolutely. I will never forget about him or how he changed my life and molded it. I will never forget the sacrifices he made for me. I will never stop remembering him and talking about things we did or sharing funny stories.
I’ve realized that if people have a problem with how I cope or how I live my life, they can go. I came in this world alone and have felt alone a lot and I will die alone. Now, I could continue to shut people out because I’ve been hurt in the past OR I could use the knowledge and experience I have to help other people.
I started exercising and trying to dial in on my nutrition- even when I don’t feel like it. It has helped me battle my anxiety and my mind. Instead of being bitter or angry, I pity people’s ignorance and their heartlessness. It motivates me to be a better advocate for people like me and share my experiences and thoughts. I’m far from the path that I’d like to be on, but I haven’t given up and instead of focusing on how long it is taking me to get there – I need to be focusing on the fact that I am getting there.
We could base or success on other people’s success, but that won’t get us anywhere. None of us are the same, have had the same opportunities, have the same lives. The only person we should base our success on, is ourselves. I want to strive to be a better person than I was yesterday, or last year, 6 years ago.
Although it may not look like it to some people – I’m way better. When I first discovered that my husband was terminal, I wanted to end my life with him. Of course, being the amazing person that he was – he made me promise that I would never ever do that. It was hard to eat, think, do anything. My life felt so surreal. Of course I’ve made some terrible decisions since then, but considering what I’ve been through, I think I’ve done okay.
I am my own measure of success and so are you 🙂